


Faded

by littlebadlei



Series: One Last Time [2]
Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-14
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2018-08-22 10:40:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8282912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlebadlei/pseuds/littlebadlei
Summary: But this is the life he chose.





	1. Faded

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! It's been awhile since I wrote something big... and this, this has taken me a long time to finish and it's only half of it. the other part is still unfinished. Anyway, this fic is a sequel for my old fic ["One Last Time"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4240401) that I wrote a year ago, which no one probably remembers... but if you want to read this, I suggest you to read that one first :3 and to remind you, my first nor second language isn't english. thanks for Betaing Piimy this for me <3 Also, my dear twinnie, thank you for poking and helping me to write this <3

He finally finished writing.

The new lyrics that he had promised to his manager to finish, were on the table.

He was tired; hungry and tired.

His head hurts. The melody was still going on inside his head.

His eyes were dry. How long has he been up? Looking at the small print.

His hands felt powerless. The worn out pencil is was the table on top of the papers.

His heart felt empty. The cries and shouts from his heart had been written down to the papers.

He feels lifeless.

Tired, to the bone.

Sleep.

That's the first thought that comes after he had been sitting here on his couch for an hour, and after he had finally put down his pencil.

I need sleep.

Nino finally mustered all the last remnants of his strength to get up and walk to his bedroom. The minute he drops to his bed, he's dead to the world.

 -

He has lived in this apartment for a year now. It's still half empty, or is it half full? He doesn't know, doesn't care. Does it matter if there isn't any paintings or photos on the wall? Does it matter that there wasn't really any plants or flowers in the rooms? Does it matter if there aren't much of furniture inside the apartment? No, it doesn't. He had all the things he needed in there and that's enough.

Sometimes he misses seeing some color when he's drinking his morning coffee. Sometimes when his window is open, he can smell the fresh air and misses the flowers’ scent flying around the house. Sometimes, when he has his eyes closed, he could feel the warmth of “home” all around him and makes him smile, but the moment he opens his eyes, it's gone and he cries in the cold darkness of his apartment.

But this is the life he chose.

Nino wakes up at one point, not enough to think coherently, but enough to remove his sleep tussled clothes to a big loose t-shirt and crawl under the blanket before he was once again out like a light. The next time he wakes up, it’s because his throat is dry and it's killing him. Nino crawls up to the cold floor, half consciously walking to the bathroom for a cup of water. Amazingly, he checks his phone and answers his manager with a message, well if you can call a one word a message that is, before he crashes back on bed for the third time.

After 14 hours, Nino finally ascended from his sleep enough for his brain to start functioning normally.

Nino stretched his sore limbs, his joints clicking before he slumped back to bed limply.

He reached out towards his nightstand, hoping to find his phone. He doesn't remember where he dropped it between the brainless message and dropping down to unconsciousness. Nino tapped at the top of the table unable to find the searched item. He retreated his hand, trying to form a new plan with his slightly sleep fogged brain.

Under the pillow?

That could be possible.

Nino hid his hand under his pillow, moving it around to touch the empty space and trying to locate the searched item. Finally, his hand hit something small and hard. Snatching it, he brought it out and up above his face. Squinting his eyes, he tries to understand what he's seeing on the screen.

His manager has left him a couple of messages. One is about congratulating him for finally finishing his songs and asking if he could show them to him next time they were going to meet. The other one is him reminding Nino that he has still one day off left.

The bright red numbers, from the clock that was on his nightstand, said it was 1:00pm.

So half day left of his little “vacation”.

Nino had been working hard in the past year. His debut single was a hit, and he has become a well-known idol in Japan in a couple of weeks. He had been ready to for the ugly judgments of his music and haters, or the rocky road to go forward with his single not selling well. So it had been a bit of a surprise that so many people liked his songs, but he was happy. He was happy that people liked to listen to the songs that were important to him.

And becoming famous meant a lot of work, magazine shoots, interviews, live performances and so on.

There was hardly even one day off in his schedules, just couple of hours here and there. But he didn't complain. No. He was glad. The full schedule helped him to not to think too much of other things. It helped him stay focused on his work and keep the unwanted feelings and thoughts away, keep them inside that small little box that he had thrown and buried deep inside his heart.

It had of course become hard for him to walk around outside without any disguise, but he hardly went out on his free times so it didn't really bother him.

So how did he spend his free time? Smashing buttons and screaming at stupid characters not obeying his commands, or if the opponent was just a pure asshole. Either way, it wasn’t a bad way to spent his day offs.

And this half day was going to be spent that way too.

With that in mind, Nino stood up from his bed to go to toilet. After washing his face and teeth, and turning the kettle on in the kitchen, Nino switched his game console on.

Let's kill some bastards.

-

The next day Nino walked towards a small cafe nearby his apartment. The cafe was unknown by most people, but there were a small group of people who knew about it and frequently visited. The workers had become kind of like his friends over the year. Knowing each others names but not really seeing each others anywhere else than in the cafe. But it was like a small outside family.

It was small, hidden and comfy. Just perfect for morning coffees when you didn't want to stay inside the apartment.

Or like this time, he was to meet his manager at the cafe before they left to work.

The smell of coffee waffled to his nose as he opened the door.

 -

Nino was already half way through his first cup of coffee when Takahiro, his manager showed up.

“Good morning, Nino.” Takahiro smiled as he took a seat of the table where Nino had seated himself.

“'-ning” Nino answered in a mumble, too tired to try to be a normal person and talk with full sentences yet.

His manager, Mizushima Takahiro, wasn’t surprised by the lack of conversation as he has already gotten used to Nino's lazy morning behavior over the time they have been working together. Takahiro has never complained about it and had just let the idol get his spirit back little by little by the time. That's what Nino liked about his manager. He was easy going but hard working. Nino was happy that he has been lucky enough to get him to be his manager.

“Did you bring your songs?” Takahiro inquired smoothly, after half a cup of coffee. Well as smoothly as monkey would. Like on his friends... old friend.

“yea...” Nino breathed lightly, his coffee warming him inside out. He put his cup down and picked up his bag, magically brought the music sheets out with a small old ipod nano.

 -

“I like these. I really do.” Nino's manager, Takahiro, said, after reading the music sheets intensely and the small demo audios of them from the old iPod nano that Nino had had since 6 years ago. The iPod nano that he had stolen from one certain person from his past. “The lyrics tells the stories and you can feel the feelings coming out of them.”

Nino just hummed for a response.

“I'm quite sure even after checking these quickly that these will be approved by the management without problems. They will love these songs without questions!” Takahiro continued as he placed the sheets inside a binder.

“By the way, have you been thinking about that opportunity that we talked about last time?” His manager questioned lightly, like it was just a little matter. “It would be good for you to try it”

And you would get some more popularity, right? Nino continues in his head. That's what you're thinking right?

Well, he has actually been thinking about it and it wouldn't be bad to try right? If it didn't work then it won't work and that's it.

“I have” Nino mumbled out loud, fingers curled around the coffee mug. Stealing the warmth. “Maybe it would be nice to try”

“That's great to hear” Takahiro beamed, “Do you have any ideas?”

“Maybe some rap? It would be nice to try that together with those songs” he muses against the cup as his manager raises up from his chair. “What do you think?” Nino asks, it wouldn't hurt to know his opinion, it's not like he's going to bite his head off if he thinks it's a bad idea.

“Hmm, not a bad idea” Takahiro nodded. “I can suggest this idea to the management”

Nino looked at his manager as the man carefully adjusted the binder into his hand bag, before he gulped down the last of his coffee and got up.

It was time for work.

Work meant money.

And money meant video games.

To Nino, it was simple as that.

-

『Hey I just wanted to inform you that the management really liked your songs! I told you that they would like them, didn't I? They are amazing!! :D Anyway, they weren't able to choose between the two songs which one would be the main song in this new single, so they decided to go with the easiest decision: Both songs will be the main songs.

See?! They are starting to love you and your songs more and more! Soon the whole world will start to love them too!

Also, I talked about the collaboration with the management and they didn't decline the idea of having a rapper as the collab singer.

Ah, I will tell you more and show you the information about your single when I pick you up. I hope you remember that you have an interview in about a couple of hours? I will be there in 25 min.

\- Takahiro』

-

Two weeks later, Nino got to know the singers’s name from Takahiro after a photo shoot and interview for More magazine.

They were walking towards the elevator, when Takahiro's phone rang, indicating that he had gotten a mail. They stepped inside while the manager was reading whatever the mail contained.

“Oh! They decided the person who will be good to sing with you on your songs.” Takahiro suddenly said, surprising Nino from his slumber.

“Ah, is that so...” Nino responded quietly.

“He isn't so well known as a singer yet, but he's an upcoming star like you and he's known for many other things.” Takahiro smiled at him, seemingly very happy at this decision. “This would be good for both of you”

“Actually, he's one of my old school friends” Takahiro continued, stuffing his phone back to his pocket. “He's really good at singing and loves to rap. I've been thinking that he would be a really good choice for this collab.”

“Is that so” Nino reiterated weakly.

“Yes. I think your voices would mix well together.” Takahiro happily explained. “Ah~ I really hope this would go well”

Nino hummed in a response as they walked out to the parking lot. He still didn't know exactly who it was that he was going to sing with.

“Ah, yes!” Takahiro starts, as they stopped at the car, searching for his keys. “Well I don't know if you know him, but his name is Sakurai.” Takahiro happily mumbled as he brought up the keys and clicked the button to open the doors.

Nino didn't hear or see the lights flashing, signing that the doors were open. He had frozen next to the door and all he was able to sense was his manager's voice as the name rang inside his head.

“Sakurai Sho” Takahiro singsonged as he sat in the drivers seat.

-

For one thing, Nino was glad that he didn't have to meet Sakurai-san right away when they started recording his songs. He was supposed to come alone at least 3 or 4 times more before they would be recording together.

Also, it seemed that Sakurai-san would come alone one time before their recording together. It would be before his last one or the one before that.

It meant that he would be able to actually hear him singing. He would be able to listen to it and then comment if he likes it or not. Not that it would change anything if he didn't. He was sure he would try to find a way to not to work with Sakurai; because it was the management who had decided that Sakurai would be the featured singer in his song. But you never know. A problem could happen. Like, maybe he just didn't sound good or that Sakurai's voice just didn't go with his.

Something, you wouldn't know before it was right in front of your eyes.

And Nino was ready to find that something.

-

Sadly, a week later Nino had to admit his defeat

His voice was good.

Nino had to say that Sakurai's voice was good and it did fit perfectly with the song. It would be a lie if he said that he wasn't surprised. He was, for two reasons. One, he never thought that the news caster would have that kind of voice. Two, he actually liked his voice. It was deep but he was also able to go high and Sakurai sang smoothly. Plus, it also fit with his voice.

Sigh.

There was no reason for him to complain. At least not a good reason that wasn't too personal to say for the management to change their mind.

Now he just needed to prepare himself to meet Sakurai face to face.

It has been a long time since he had seen Sakurai.

Well, okay, Nino would have seen him on TV if he did try to watch the news but he didn't. There was really no reason for him to watch the news. He would check them from the internet if needed. And hey, his TV was only turned on when he was playing games. No time for silly news.

And no, it wasn't because he wasn't ready to see his face. Pfft, why would he do that?

Anyway, the last time Nino saw the man was when he followed him and another man to a restaurant because of reasons. Reasons he didn't really want to think at that moment.

Even though he thought of them every night.

Nino had stopped trying to see him anywhere, after that one and only call from Sakurai as the man had wanted to speak with him.

Okay, to tell the truth, he wasn't sure if he was ready to see and meet this man face to face.

Fuck.

-

After three weeks, Nino was standing outside the recording building, hoping fort he best of him that he would survive from this experience.

He had no idea how the meeting would go and how Sakurai and him would sing together after that.

Taking a shaky breath, Nino stepped forward.

Let's get this over with.

 

But the moment Nino's eyes landed on the recording rooms door, his knees were going to give out.

He wasn't ready for this. No matter how much he told himself that he definitely was, he just fucking wasn't.

He just wasn't ready to meet this man.

The man that took away his happiness.

Who the fuck would ever be ready for that?

 -

In the end Nino was forced inside as one of the recording staff came and dragged him in while talking lively about how amazing his music is and how grateful he is that he got to work with him.

Nino listened the talk with half an ear while trying to concentrate on his body. His feet felt heavy as rocks, his breathing was ragged and his head was spinning.

He could hear Takahiro’s voice. It wasn't that far away from him. They had decided to meet here.

Well.. Nino had decided. He had wanted to come here alone, so he would have time to relax in order to not to show his manager how panicked he was about this meeting.

Taking a big shuddering breath, Nino turned to look around the room, trying to locate his manager.

He finally found him, when Takahiro let out a loud laugh. He was standing close to the sofas that were placed close to the wall at the end of the room, talking brightly with a man.

Nino was only able to see the man's back but even that was already enough for him to recognize the man in question. He's seen that back too many times for his liking.

Sakurai Sho.

He's here.

 

The next moment Nino was running out.

-

“Nino, are you okay?”

Nino could hear Takahiro's voice behind the door.

Nino closed his eyes, trying to breathe normally after throwing up his whole breakfast down the toilet. He really hoped that his manager was alone since he wasn't really in a presentable state.

Nino counted slowly to ten, while he was resting his cheek against the toilet seat, hoping for his headache to fade away when his manager finally showed up on the doorway of the small toilet cubicle.

“Nino!? Is everything okay? Are you feeling sick?” Takahiro asked in panic, already fishing out his phone, ready to call for help.

“I'm okay,” Nino huffed as he got up from the floor, “I probably ate something bad this morning.”

”Seriously, I'm okay” Nino patted Takahiro's shoulder as he passed him to wash his face in the sink. “No need to worry, I'm not going to die, okay?” he joked lightly.

But when Nino looked at his manager through the mirror, he could see that Takahiro wasn't convinced by that.

“Really” Nino repeated, “I'm okay”

“If you are lying at the moment and I'm going to find it out later on, I'm going to fucking kick your ass as hard as I can” Takahiro said as he flipped his phone back to his pocket and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Takahiro wasn't a large person but he was still taller than Nino. It didn't look so intimidating but he knew his manager, and that when his manager was serious, he would most likely do what he says.

“I'm not lying, okay” Nino assured softly once again. “I really am okay”

Takahiro nodded though his eyes were sharp. “Just tell me right away, if you are feeling even slightly bad” his manager tightly ordered.

“I will.” he smiled as he turned around and looked straight into Takahiro’s eyes. “I promise,” Nino promised as he moved forward to tap Takahiro’s shoulder once again and started to walk towards the door, changing his voice to a more cheerful tone, one that he definitely wasn't feeling like, but Takahiro didn't need to know that.

“Let's go and meet all those new people that are waiting to see my handsome face, shall we?”

-

Takahiro led Nino through the room, introducing him to the new people that he still hand't met. There wasn't a lot of them, but to think this was only a recording meeting, it felt weird to even have this much people in one small place. But it was the first time for Nino and Sakurai to sing together or with anyone at the first place, so maybe this was just normal.

There was couple of the workers that came from the recording company to see how the work was going and the manager of Sakurai Sho, Yamashita Naru.

“I'm so thankful for letting us, well Sakurai, sing with you” the man in question, smiled. “I've always known that Sakurai is good at rapping and singing, but he's been a bit shy about trying it and letting people know.”

“But now he got this opportunity!” Yamashita cheered, “All thanks to you!”

“Ah no no, you shouldn't really thank me” Nino shook his head lightly, trying to be as humble as he could even though all he wanted to say was that he wished that he didn’t have to sing with him. It would have been much better if it was someone else, with Sakurai's singing abilities. But what can he do?

What was done was done.

“It was totally Takahiro's idea. He had recommended him and the management had just approved it. If there is anyone to thank, it should be him” Nino pointed out, pushing Takahiro a bit more forward with his hand.

“Is that so?” Yamashita asked in surprise, as he looked at Takahiro, making his manager blush lightly.

“Yes.” Nino boasted, grinning widely. He wasn't going to let the change of seeing his manager blush slip away, it was so rare to see nowadays so he was going to enjoy the moments when it did happen.

“Well, I've known Sho since we were in high school and I remember that he loved to sing. We haven't talked for a while but I suddenly saw the old photo of us when I was checking the candidates’ files. And soon without thinking, I was calling him to ask if he would be interested in trying this out. We then talked about it, and he explained that he has been wanting to try out and let his singing reach people’s hearts. Then I had just recommended him to the management. So I didn't really do anything.” Takahiro explained shyly.

“You did and I want to thank you for letting him have this opportunity. It wouldn't have happened if you didn't help us.” Yamashita concluded.

“By the way, Ninomiya-san, have you already talked to Sakurai-san?” Yamashita suddenly asked.

“Eh?” Nino replied in surprise.

“Have you already talked to Sakurai-san?” the manager inquired again.

“Ah-” Nino started, while turning to look at Takahiro.

“We were about to go meet him next” Takahiro quickly explained with a smile. “Actually, we could go now if that is okay for you, Yamashita-san?”

“Yes yes, of course!” Yamashita laughed, “If you have any questions from me, Ninomiya-san, don't be afraid to ask!”

“Of course, thank you” Ninomiya answered out of politeness.

“Well then, if you’ll excuse us” Takahiro said as they bowed to the man.

 

As they walked away, Takahiro asked in whisper, “How did you know that I had recommended Sho to the management?”

“How?” Nino whispered back. “You talked about how he was your old school pal so dreamily and I couldn't believe that the known news caster Sakurai Sho would, on his own, send a request to sing with me.” he explained.

Takahiro gaped at him.

Oh man, I wish I had a camera, Nino thought as he looked at his manager with innocent eyes and soft smile.

“You genius little bastard” Takahiro mumbled in embarrassment.

Nino only chuckled at that.

And soon he was close to fainting as they skipped to stop right behind the man that he was supposed to meet right from the start.

 -

“Sho, this is Ninomiya Kazunari.” Takahiro introduced to his old school friend before he turned to look at him with a big smile, “Nino, this man here is Sakurai Sho”

With a forced smile, Nino raised his chin and looked straight at the man's eyes, before slightly they bowed to each other.

“Ninomiya-san, it's nice to finally meet you in person.” Sakurai suddenly expressed with a smile.

I wish I could say the same, Nino thought with a sarcastic voice.

They way Sakurai said those words would tell others that this was their first time meeting but truth was slightly different. And he could see that Sakurai did recognize him and knew who he was. Not as the upcoming singer but as the man that he had robbed. The man that he had stolen his happiness and love life.

Even though, those thoughts run around in his head, he didn't let any of it show on his face. If this was the game Sakurai wanted to play, then he can play it too. Nino wasn't one to pull back, he was the one who fought back.

The games on.

“It's nice to meet you too, Sakurai-san” Nino addressed with very polite voice while smiling like an angel.

-

After that, they hadn’t really talked.

They only see each other when they come to the recording. They talk to each other politely, like you would talk with anyone that you work with. But, they weren’t friends.

Not that Nino would like to be his friend.

If they talked, it was about the songs, or something related to the industry. It was mostly always about work. Sometimes there might be a word or two about where the other one had gone to eat (it was mostly Sakurai though) or if they met with their family.

It was never too personal.

Nino didn’t mind though.

He didn’t want to know and he didn’t want to tell.

But what made Nino perplexed, was that they have never talked about their past, that they actually have met before, that Sakurai was the one who took the first step to contact him, nor about the reason why they know each other.

He thought that Sakurai didn’t want to talk about his dating life in front of people; because he had acted like he hadn’t met him before, when Takahiro had introduced Sakurai to him. But since he was kind of like part of it, not a great way though, Nino was sure Sakurai would speak to him later.

But he hadn’t.

And that had surprised Nino.

He had waited for the ambush to happen sooner or later and had tried to make himself ready for it. Not that he was going to talk about it; cause he wasn’t going to nor was he going to get angry if he didn’t. It was actually better this way.

This way Nino didn’t need to go through those memories with someone involved in his past.

It just had surprised him. Nothing more.

He just hopes that it stays that way too.

-

Weeks later, they were walking out of the recording office. Takahiro is talking lively right in front of him about something he had read yesterday night from a newspaper.

They had almost finished the two songs they are singing together. They had just a bit more recording left as a duo and then Nino would have a couple more to finish alone for his last songs that have been chosen for to the upcoming single.

Nino feels so tired and all he wants to do is to go home and sleep.

But no. He had gone and stupidly promised to go out.

With a deep sigh, he sends a deep hateful glare towards his “trustful” manager.

Takahiko had begged for him to come with him and his friend to a small late night dinner. He had almost gone down to his knees to get Nino accept his suggestion.

Takahiro knows that Nino doesn't like to eat much outside or be with many people, but once in a while Takahiro tries and begs Nino to come with him. It's a nice thing to know that someone cares about what you are doing. Even though his manager has been a pain for his job. This was their free time, which means that Takahiro doesn't need to be with him if he doesn't want to but would still ask him to come. He's a great friend.

But at the moment that “great” word isn't really the first word to come to his mind.

But he has to say that Takahiro had played this well.

By not mentioning his “friend's” name, he had just said yes without thinking much. Next time he knows to be a bit more careful with his manager.

When they had finished the day’s recordings, Nino had gotten ready quickly, wanting to get the whole dinner thing over with so he could go home.

But the moment he saw that it wasn't only Takahiro that was waiting for him, he got a very bad feeling.

“Shall we go?” Takahiro had cheered, his hand around Sakurai's slopping shoulders.

He doesn't know if Takahiro had already guessed that he isn't so happy to be with Sakurai in the same room. Or was Takahiro being his all “weird friendly” self and thought that they just hadn't gotten to know each other well and wanted to help them.

Nino guesses it's the latter.

When the elevators doors closed right in front of them, the person he last hoped would speak opened his mouth.

“Hey I wanted to ask if you guys have already decided on what to do in the music video or are you guys still just thinking about it?” Sakurai questioned.

Nino looked up from his shoes in surprise. He could see Sakurai's face reflected from the doors. Sakurai was looking at Takahiro instead.

“I- I would like to help some way if that is okay?” the man continued, looking sheepish while his voice got that slightly worried tone.

Nino's eyes almost bugled out of his head.

What!? What is he going to do now!?

But as expected his perfect manager took a hold of the situation before he would mess it up. If you could say that.

“Of course you can!” Takahiro assured with a smile. “What do you have in mind?” Takahiro continued as he put his hand around Sakurai's shoulders, looking at the man in pure interest.

“Well I was thinking if we could have couple of dancers there to dance and maybe Ninomiya or both of us could dance a bit too, if that would look good. I know a couple of good dancers and one who would love to teach us a bit and maybe do the choreography to the songs.” Sho explained in delight.

Dancers? Why? Nino felt so confused.

“That actually sounds pretty good!” Takahiro whooped. “I can ask for the management’s opinion about this. I can't promise anything yet but that does sound like a good plan.”

Does it?

“What do you think Nino?” Takahiro asked as he turned to look at Nino. As if he just remembered that he actually was here.

Sigh.

Okay, Nino, that's just a stupid way of thinking. He's your manager. He works together with you. Of course he remembers that you are here.

But.. some how he has a very bad feeling about this. There is something that's prickling on is mind and telling him that he shouldn't agree to this.

“You could also play some piano in it since you're an amazing pianist. It would make your fans go crazy!” Takahiro proposed with small glee on his eyes. Not seeing the small hesitation in Nino's.

Well, Takahiro already said that it was a “good plan”. So, who he was to go against it? No matter what.

“Yeah, why not.” Nino answered with a sigh.

“Excellent!” His manager stated.

They finally got off the elevator and started to walk towards the car that seemed to be waiting for them. He let himself walk a bit slower than the other two, trying to leave a small gap between them. He wanted some peace for now. Peace to let his mind to calm down.

Even though there was the gap, he could still hear Takahiro talking wildly to Sakurai.

“Sho, did you know that Nino plays the piano really well? Also, weren’t you used to play the piano too? It would be amazing if both of you could play piano together someday!” Takahiro spoke joyfully, as they walked forward.

But it felt like all the words came through a piece of glass.

-

Nino came to the final meeting regarding what they are going to do in the music video and when it's going to be shot with Takahiro. He had just finished recording one of the songs of his single and his throat felt a bit sore.

It should be kind of expected that he isn't really wanting to speak much or trying to be as friendly as possible because, hey, he's tired and no one should be forced to do those things when they are tired. Especially when he's never been good at being extremely polite and friendly when he's tired.

And now he was in a meeting room that was full of people.

Great.

Sighing, Nino literally collapsed to his chair. Thankfully, his manager knew him well enough already; he brought him full cup of black coffee without a word. Thank god that he has Takahiro.

He thanks him with a small smile and a nod, reaching for the warm cup. The rich aroma floats to his nose as he lifts the cup closer and he wasn't able stop the small moan from escaping his throat as he smells it.  
He could hear Takahiro chuckle in the background, but the sound is distant, as his brain shifts it’s focus on the black drink completely.

-

Nino’s thoughts snapped back to earth when someone finally started to talk.

“So we have been thinking about the idea Sakurai-san had given to Takahiro-san.” one of the men around the table says. Ah, it's the president.

'Okay, Nino it’s time to wake up' Nino told himself as he slightly shook his head in hopes of becoming a bit more awake.

“The idea is good. We believe that the fans would love to see some close up of Ninomiya-san playing the piano, since most of his songs in this new single are mostly played with the piano,” the president continued, his voice deep but powerful. “But if the video only has Ninomiya-san playing the piano and Sakurai-san rapping close to it, we thought it would be bit too simple...”

“So we decided that there would be couple dancers to dance and act a small part to the video.” the president finished with a nod.

“Sakurai-san you said that you have some dancers that you recommend.” the man next to the president asked.

Sakurai nodded. He looked all cool and clever, right there in his black suit jacket. He looked like an adult and a superstar.

A total opposite of him.

“Yes, I have some very good dancers that would definitely like to do this” Sakurai confirmed out loud. “One of them has already been in couple of music videos and has been asked to come to dance to some international singers’ music videos, too.” Sakurai explained. “She's known for her graceful and beautiful movements as well as quick and powerful ones. Also, she was in a well recommended and respected school for dancing and acting.”

“The other one has danced 3-4 years in theater and is highly praised by his dance movements and the way he's delved into his dance.” Sakurai stated, without a pause. “He had also choreographed some dance parts of the theater performances and they have been well liked as well as praised. Even though he hasn't been in music videos or in any movies before this but he's interested to try them out, if an interesting opportunity will arise”

“He actually has been asked to perform in other theaters but so far he has declined them.”

Theater? Why does this sound so prickly familiar?

“These two people know each other and have danced together before too,” Sakurai pointed out, before the management could say anything. “So, it wouldn't be much of a work for them to come up with a choreography for the songs.”

“I see” the one of the mens says from the other side of the table, the voice showing his interest. “And what are the names of these two dancers?”

Nino was starting to feel nervous about this.

He didn't know why he was feeling like that but something was pocking at his brain and telling him that that might not be a good idea.

Nino can feel the back of his hair stand up, his breathing getting labored as Sakurai opens his mouth.

“The first one is Swép Gabriella. She's from Hungary, but has lived most of her life in Japan.” Sakurai said confidentially.

And then, and he's 100% fucking sure it that, then Sakurai glanced at him.

He's 49% sure that he would love to run out of this room and never come back, the other 51% was a feeling of knowing that the look Sakurai-san had casted towards him, was as if he knew what the next name he was going to say, could to do to him.

Holding his breath, Nino hoped that the name, that he was waiting for Sakurai to spit out, wouldn't be the one he was already dreadfully expecting.

“And the second one is Ohno Satoshi” Sakurai finished.

 

Oh fuck.


	2. Stitches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of things can happen in one year. Things that Nino aren’t sure he wants to know nor is he sure he could face them. After all, he was the one who run away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the handsome bastard that always manages to kill me with everything and to my lovely twinnie Roro, the little brat, as we both are xD i hope you guys had amazing day!! love you <3 think of this as your bday present <3 xD  
> Anyways, soo... I'm really sorry that this update comes soo late! I got a job for the last 8 months and I was traveling around germany and france.. i've been home about 2 weeks now xD so yeah I was trying to hurry this out since I didn't send anything to my little brat so I had to do something.... so here we are :D Here are links for the songs that I used to make this fic: [Faded](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jnm4UMEQFyc) & [Stitches](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jnm4UMEQFyc). Please do listen them! they are pretty!  
> Piimy, my second amazing mom, thank you for betaing this <3
> 
> enjoy :3

One month.

He got one month.

The management had quite quickly approved the idea and the dancers, much to Nino’s fear, and had then moved to decide the day and place. It didn’t take long before everything sorted out and approved by everyone.

Nino though couldn’t promise to know what had been discussed after the male dancer’s name had been announced. It felt like something had blocked his ears and didn’t let any external noise in his head. His brain had started to over work. Thoughts, questions and screams jumped, bounced and flashed through his head like accelerated movie. His mind was literally in chaos, and Nino didn’t know how to stop it.

His head snapped to stop when he felt a warm hand pressing softly on his shoulder. Snapping his head up, he could see Takahiro looking down at him in a frown.

“Nino, are you okay?” His manager asked quietly. “Did you hear what I said?”

Gulping down, what felt like a rock from his throat, Nino managed to nod.

Takahiro’s expression didn’t change.

Sighing, Nino willed his face to relax. This was not the time to panic.

“I’m okay” Nino whispered. He didn’t trust his voice to be firm enough to talk normally.

Only a fine eyebrow drew up on his manager’s face.

“I’m okay, okay” Nino voiced out, fixing a pout on his face. “And sorry ojisan, I don’t always listen to your blabbering.” He said in a sad tone, not to mention the hidden sarcasm.

Finally, his manager released a sigh while shaking his head.

“Sometimes I don’t get you” Takahiro muttered, which Nino drastically ignored.

“Anyway, I was saying that we could go now. Some of the guys asked if we were interested to go to eat something together, are you interested or would you like to go home?” Takahiro continued in normal tone, while looking at the tired idol.

“No, I would like to go home.” Nino said before he even managed to think about it.

“I thought so.” Takahiro answered and made his way to grab the used coffee cup.

“Then would you get your lazy ass up so we could go to your desired destination?” Takahiro commanded as he turned around and started to walk towards the door, not even glancing back to check if he even made the other man follow him.

He liked how they sometimes can just talk with small jokes. It was relaxing.

He couldn’t help but smile, all troubles forgotten for now.

Nino was so lucky to have Takahiro as his manager.

-

But when Nino finally got home, the thoughts jumped up front.

There was nothing enough to distract him, no energy to even try to fight against them.

With the least bits of energy he had, Nino walked to his bedroom and let himself fall on his bed.

And then, the cold darkness swallowed him inside with all those screaming thoughts, jumping around his head.

Burying his face in his pillow, Nino screamed until there was no sound coming out of his throat, and the tears flowed till his eyes got dry.

 

So,

One month

One

Month

4 weeks

30 days

730 hours.

It was all the time Nino had to prepare himself.

It was a lot, but was too little at the same time.

He doesn’t know how he should prepare himself to meet the other man. It has been a year after all.  
A full year.

A lot of things can happen in one year. Things that Nino aren’t sure he wants to know nor is he sure he could face them. After all, he was the one who run away.

Is he going to be ready to see how the other man had moved on from him? To see how the other man is happy with someone else? To be able to talk to the man without breaking down to tears right in front of him, show him how he actually hadn't moved on, and how broken he really was deep down inside of him?

Nino doesn’t know.

But he needs to try. There is no other way, in the end.

Nino needs to be able to meet Ohno without breaking down.

He has to.

-

The one month goes too quickly for Nino’s liking.

The recordings are done in one week after the meeting, so there is no reason to keep his head filled with notes, lyrics and times when he needs to be there and when he gets to go home.  
Now he has a bit of time between some small interviews and photoshoots, where people are trying to know more about him and to get some information of the new single, and if there is an album coming someday soon.

And it’s not enough. It’s not enough to occupy Nino’s head from the thoughts of the meeting in the near future. There is too much space for those thoughts to come through to the front. And when the people ask questions of where did he get the inspiration for the songs, how important they are to him, and what do they mean to him... he can’t keep the memories away. No matter how much he tries to fight against them, they break through.

Especially when he’s sleeping.

Nino dreams of the time he was with the older man. How they met, the time before dating, when they started to date. When the first kiss comes, he jerks awake, breathing hard and sweat clinging to his skin. The tears starts to fall down without him even noticing, and the shuddering shakes the whole bed.

And the memories continue to go forward in every night. Like a never ending dream, even though Nino knows that it will end soon. The end is nearing but so is Nino’s strength. He hasn’t slept much. He keeps waking up every once in a while when the memories get too vivid and too painful to bear.

He has to use eye drops constantly to keep his eyes moist, because he cries every night. He has to hide the dark eye bags with heavy make-up, so he wouldn’t look like a zombie in front of people. He has trouble remembering to eat because he’s too tired to even try.

He’s so tired.

And the month is almost gone by.

Nino definitely isn’t ready.

But the time won’t stop ticking forward.

-

On the morning of shooting the music videos, Nino is ushered to the make up room, as soon as he arrives to the set. He hasn't seen anyone else other than the hair and make up team, not that he minded. His manager had disappeared the moment he was forced to sit on the chair.

When his make up is finally done and his hair is in tip top shape, he's moved to his dressing room and asked to change his clothes.

Without complains he does as he's ordered. Too afraid to even think what these staff members would do to him if he didn't.

When he steps out of the room, he's guided towards the set while being informed of all the things they are going to be doing today. The talk goes in from his ear on goes out from the other, too tired to even try to concentrate and he slightly feels bad about it. The staff strolls Nino around the studio before he’s brought to the corner of the studio to sit down on and relax for a while.

He has half an hour left before they start the shooting.

Nino manages to nod to the staff before the person strolls away.

Taking a deep breath, he conjured up his Nintendo DS and started to play the latest game he had managed to buy from the closest game store near his home last night. He has been too tired to even play video games in the past week. And that was enough to ring a bell in Nino’s head that this wasn’t good.

Now he just hoped that the game was good enough to distract him from checking out every corner of the building and every person that was moving around him. He could sleep too, but Nino wasn’t going to take the risk. He couldn’t be sure he could keep the tears away if the memories came, which he was pretty sure they would. After all, Nino doesn’t like to cry in front of people.

With a sigh, he started his last hope to forget that he’s going to meet that certain person.

Person, he definitely wasn’t ready to meet.

-

When the half hour was up, one of the staff members comes to him and asks him to follow her so they could start the shooting.

The moment he put down the DS and didn't have to think about difficult strategies for the game, that was thankfully difficult enough to stop his mind drifting to other things, his mind went back to those dreams that has kept him awake on nights and tired at days, to the thought that soon, he would meet the other man.

Nino could already tell that the older man had already arrived to the set and was somewhere inside the studio. He knew the man was here. He could feel him.

Damn it.

He's knees were shaking.

But when he was guided to a dark blue room, where they were shooting at first and saw the beautiful piano in the middle of the room, his mind went blank.  
The piano was dark brown and it was set on a small platform that had been placed in the middle of the room. There was black and slightly dark blue fabrics attached to the corners and all around the room, making the set look magical and extremely beautiful.

Nino moved forward, hand already stretched forward. It felt like he was in trance.

The moment his fingers touched the corner of the piano, he let out a breath he hand’t realized he had been holding. Nino walked around the piano slowly, enjoying the look and the feel of it as he lightly traced the piano's lines with his fingers.

He's always loved pianos. Ever since he was a kid and saw a man playing one so beautifully that he was enchanted by it. Ever since then, Nino had played piano alone in school when everyone else had already gone back home. He had studied music alone when he had time. Borrowing books from the library and reading them mostly at nights when his mother thought he was already sleeping. He had practiced and played on the school pianos, until junior high, he had finally felt satisfied enough to think that he was able to play the song the same way he remembered the man had played the piano that time.

After that he had played on the piano just for fun and enjoying the beautiful sound of it. Until someone had accidentally heard of him play and soon after that he was forced to join the music club.

Nino sat on the seat next of the piano and opened the cover. The keys shined in the light, making the piano look even more breathtaking.

Taking a slow breath, Nino lowered his fingers on top of the keys. Just touching them lightly, not letting their weight push down the keys.

Nino closed his eyes.

He could feel the camera been focused on him, waiting for him to start.

He took a deep breath in.

He could feel all the people inside the room, hardly breathing, expecting and just waiting for him to make a move.

He could feel it all.

He breathed out.

He pressed his fingers down and started to play.

 

You were the shadow to my light  
Did you see us?  
Another star  
You fade away  
Afraid our aim is out of sight  
Wanna see us?  
A light

 

Nino sang as he let his feelings go through the locked doors of his heart and fly out with the music.  
He had opened his eyes but he couldn't see the set, couldn't see the people around him, couldn't see anything.

 

Where are you now?  
Where are you now?  
Where are you now?  
Was it all in my fantasy?  
Where are you now?  
Were you only imaginary?

 

All he was able to do was feel how his soul screamed the words out, wanting to let them out and show that this, this is how he feels inside his heart.

That this, this is who he is.

Where are you now?  
Atlantis  
Under the sea  
Under the sea  
Where are you now?

Another dream  
The monsters running wild inside of me  
I'm faded  
I'm faded  
I'm faded  
I'm faded

 

This is the pain he has felt ever since he left those warm arms. Ever since he had started to doubt everything around him. Ever since everything started to fall apart.

  
So lost  
I'm faded

 

As he lowered the sound of the piano and heard Sakurai start to sing, Nino was able to get his mind back to the moment he was in. To the moment where he had already made the decision. The moment where he had already given up. Where he had let go.

*

And every single night I'm with a different girl  
Who would've knew that life could be a lonely world?  
I'm reminiscing, missing everything we were  
So I could be with you, but I still think of her

It's crazy how we don't even talk  
And I still think of you in every single place that I walk  
In my home, in my city, I guess you left a mark  
Ain't it funny how you miss the brightest times when it's dark

But

The love of my life just turned into anonymous  
So now you're stranger that I don't wanna miss  
A stranger with all her clothes in my laundry bin  
All of her dresses, sweaters and cardigans

I should throw 'em out, I should just forget it  
The past can only hurt you if you let it  
But I let it, ‘cus I'm still about you  
Life is fucking crazy but it's crazier without you

*

Nino could feel those burning eyes on him. Those eyes that he has tried so hard to avoid and not to think of.

Those eyes that he has loved from the very first moment he saw them. Those eyes that felt like they could swallow him inside. Eyes that had made him feel warm all over his body by just one look. Those eyes that he could look at forever and never get enough of.

Nino could feel them, but he couldn't make himself to look back at those eyes.

Instead he let the last lock break down and let his feelings flow out through his voice.

Where are you now?

 

Those feelings, he had felt when they had been together.  
Feelings just before he left their life behind.

Atlantis  
Under the sea  
Under the sea  
Where are you now?  
Another dream  
The monsters running wild inside of me  
I'm faded  
I'm faded

Faded faded  
I'm so faded faded  
I'm so faded faded  
Faded faded  
Faded

 

There weren’t enough words to describe his feelings in one song, but they were in his voice. The feelings that he has kept inside, all the way up until now.

Nino hoped that that the certain man, would be able to understand the meaning behind this song but on the other hand he hoped that he wouldn't.

He could feel the tear run down his cheek.

Nino pressed the last key down and let the last notes fly away. There was a brief silence, that his heart shared, feeling empty after all the secrets he had held in had been allowed to go out, before there was a loud shout of “cut” and then the room was filled with roaring applauses.

Nino quickly wiped the tear that had unexpectedly run down his cheek. Ah~, how frustrating. He wasn’t able to keep them away in the end.

Nino never liked to show his feelings to people when he was sad and he always tried his hardest not show them on his face. He has mastered the act of keeping it in already, but it seemed like he wasn't able to keep it this time.

After all Nino had sang the song straight from his heart. He hand’t been able hide them this time, they had just broken through without any trouble. He felt uncomfortable. Especially when the questioned man was in the same room. And the man, that has seen him cry. The only man, that he had allowed himself and felt safe to cry with.

He was brought back from his thoughts when one of the staff members gave him a tissue with pity in her eyes and her smile. He didn't like pity. No, he hated it. He didn't need it. He deserved this pain.

He chose it.

With a stiff nod of thanks, Nino took the tissue and wiped the left over wetness and let the make up artist come back to fix his make up.

As the artist was doing his work, Nino was finally able to feel that stare. He could feel that someone was looking at him. Of course most of the people around him were looking at him but this, this was different from them. This brought chills down his spine. And there has been only one person in this whole world who has been able to do that to him.

Ohno Satoshi.

Nino could swear that the older man was staring at him. But he wasn’t going to check it out and confirm it. Oh no, he’s not ready for that.

As the makeup artist took a step back, the director asked Nino to play once again from the beginning so they could tape from different angles and take some close ups.

Nino tried his best to push back all the thoughts from his head so he could concentrate on playing. All his thoughts of the other man and this man’s stare. He needed his concentration to be able to play well. And Nino wasn’t one who would like to disappoint his fans by bad music.

With that decision he took a long breath in, cleared his head, and started to play.

-

They all worked hard, especially Nino, he gave his all and let his feelings be shown through the music, until the director yelled out “lunch break”. People started to move out towards to the food that had been brought to the set.

Nino stayed on the seat, seemingly with no intention to get up, watching the piano keys soundlessly.

“Ninomiya-san” Sakurai asked as he was stepping out of the set, “Are you coming to eat something?”

Nino kept looking at the keys while thinking before he answered lightly, still on his own thoughts, “mm, nah, I'll stay here for a while. You guys can go ahead.”

Sakurai frowned a bit before nodding and going out towards the display of food.

Nino waited until Sakurai’s steps faded away till there was only silence left around him.

Nino let his hands ghost above the keys as his mind swirled around the clouds inside his head. Everything was a mess. The emotions that came out with the songs were still so strong that it was too hard to ignore. He wasn’t sure what he was doing. Was he trying to fight against the tears that were close to surface? Was he trying to hide them inside the box and lock it in? Or was he trying to get it out and sort it out somehow? Nino didn’t know. Everything was so confusing now.

His heart was still beating fast, making his chest hurt. He isn’t sure if it’s because he's so happy to see the man he loves with his whole heart once again or is it because Nino/he’s seeing him here because someone else asked him to come and work hard with other people. To see that he really has moved on and let the past be just past. The past where he belonged.

A sound of the piano brought him back to look at the keys. His fingers were pressing the keys down. Nino pulled the fingers up, but the rush of feelings of the need to play was sudden and over powering that he couldn’t help but start to play on the other songs that he had written. Had started to write month after his decision to leave. The song that he had finally finished a couple days, before he had handed it to his manager as a song for his new album. A song of his feelings that were swirling inside of him for the past year.

-

I thought that I'd been hurt before  
But no one's ever left me quite this sore  
Your words cut deeper than a knife  
Now I need someone to breathe me back to life

 

The memories started to play on his mind like a movie.

Got a feeling that I'm going under  
But I know that I'll make it out alive  
If I quit calling you my lover, move on

 

The first time they met. The first time they went to a date. The first wary touch of the other’s hand.

Their first kiss.

You watch me bleed until I can't breathe  
Shaking falling onto my knees  
And now that I'm without your kisses  
I'll be needing stitches

 

The first taste of that sinful mouth. The first taste of that sunburned skin. First taste of the mind blowing sex.

Tripping over myself  
Aching begging you to come help  
And now that I'm without your kisses  
I'll be needing stitches

 

The way the older man had charmed and lured him into his arms, into his home, into his bed. Into his own fucking life. And how he had easily given up and just gone with the flow.

Just like a moth drawn to a flame  
Oh you lured me in I couldn't sense the pain  
Your bitter heart cold to the touch  
Now I'm gonna reap what I sow  
I'm left seeing red on my own

Walked into the relationship that was full of happiness and warmth.

Got a feeling that I'm going under  
But I know that I'll make it out alive  
If I quit calling you my lover, move on

But sometimes, that happiness doesn’t stay long.

You watch me bleed until I can't breathe  
Shaking falling onto my knees  
And now that I'm without your kisses  
I'll be needing stitches

The memories of their first petty fights over stupid things. The times of them acting like fucking losers.

The time, when everything started to fall apart.

Tripping over myself  
Aching begging you to come help  
And now that I'm without your kisses  
I'll be needing stitches  
Oh no

*

From a look to a touch  
From a touch to a crush  
From a crush into lust  
Lust into love and love into us

Now that's real shit,  
But love is a gun you can kill with  
Hard time is the best time to deal with  
Had time, tell me why I still feel shit

But, that's life when you’re really in love  
So I guess that i'm really in love  
Hit the club and i’m livin’ it up  
But one night stands just isn't enough

And I gave my time, And I gave my trust  
And I gave my heart, And I gave my love  
And I gave my years, And I gave months  
I guess all I gave was just not enough

Now After's/anth calm down, After's/anth just breathe,  
Take a break and get some sleep.  
But tell me how can I sleep  
When you're the woman of my dreams!

And even tho we do not speak,  
And even tho we fell apart,  
You may not be in my life  
But you'll always be in my heart.

*

His heart was crying from the heartbreak. His whole body was screaming from the pain he was feeling. Screaming to get some rest.

He could see the man in front of his eyes, could see his dark brown eyes, and his beautiful smile. He could see the man that he left him behind so he could pursue the happiness he deserves.

The man he loved, still loves.

Cause it's too late now to say sorry, baby  
The one I'm missing more than just your body

But it's it too late now to say sorry, baby  
Yeah I know that I let you down  
But it's it too late to say sorry now.

-

A loud clapping brought Nino back to earth to find people flooding back to the room. He had no idea when the people had came to the room. He didn’t even get out of his thoughts, when Sakurai-san had sang his rap part.

His sight was blurry to see anything clearly. His cheeks were once again wet from the tears that he had started to shed.

He has been crying so much in this whole day, actually in the whole month. No, wait. In a whole year actually. And that’s something he’s not proud of.

He hates crying. Hates it.

He fucking hates it.

But he just couldn’t keep them in anymore. He just didn’t have any power to keep them in.

Maybe because the raw feelings are so close to the surface. Because the songs are about him, all of his thoughts and feelings from the past year. Of his life that he left behind, the life that he misses every damn second but can’t let it out. He just can’t go to someone and pour it out even if he felt like it.

The only way for him to pour it out was to write it down and sing it.

And now, even the deepest feelings of his were out, and the person that he’s singing about is close to him, hearing them right from him.

 

The same staff member brought the tissue box again, though Nino didn’t even look up, not wanting to see the pity once again. He drew couple of the tissues, so he could wipe away his sadness and place on the mask of a normal person.

A mask of a brat who says he doesn’t really care about love matters. A person who just has a great voice to sing all these heartbreaking love songs, without telling where they are coming from.

“I’m sorry Ninomiya-san, but you sang so beautifully and with so much honesty that I’m sure no one has seen before.” the director spoke, finally killing the silence that had took over after the clapping had stopped.

“Even your manager here,” Nino could see the director point at Takahiro who was looking at him, his mouth and his eyes wildly open, while tears seemed to stream down on his cheeks. “He seems to be pretty surprised of your singing this time.” the director Yamamoto finished.

“So, if he was this surprised, it’s not normal to see you like this and I thought that people, your fans, would love to see this. To see your feelings as you sing them.” The man continued to speak as he moved forward from the tv screens. “So I hope that you don’t mind that I did film you.”

“No” Nino breathed, his voice raspy. “Why would I? I appreciate your way of thinking of what and how we should film this. I believe with all my heart that the music video is going to be amazing.” Nino looked up and fixed a small smile on his face.

“Well, I’m flattered and happy to hear that” the director beamed, definitely happy about his words. “So, to finish the filming and get the most perfect shots, is it okay if we could take couple more shoots again of this song? So we could get the different angles and the sights.”

“Of course” Nino nodded and held his head higher as the make up artist came back to fix his make up.

“Great, let’s continue then!” The director cheered, and people rushed to their spots.

-

Once they finally finished their filming and everything was packed, the whole group moved to a small bar to celebrate finishing of the music videos and the hard work been done. It was time to let them loosen some of that tightness from their muscles.

It had been a rough day for Nino. Emotionally and physically.

Nino never was a guy who loved to work out or even move his body if it wasn’t needed. So dancing with full power for two hours wasn’t exactly easy. His body was screaming for rest and dreaming about his bed.

Also, his head was a mess, not to mention his heart. Spending more than 5 hours with the person you’ve been trying to avoid for a year is really exhausting. Needless to say that he could feel the eyes following his every step the whole time. Or that his body would love to get closer to that person, to feel the heat and those strong arms around his body once again but his mind screaming otherwise. Screaming and commanding him to run away and hide. Reminding him of the decisions and choices he has done for both of them.

It’s tiring.

And all Nino wanted, was to go home and forget everything for a while.

But no.

His lovely but surprisingly devilish manager decided, against his desires, that Nino needed to follow everyone to the club. That he needed some fresh air instead of his apartments suffocating air, to meet and talk with people instead of his video games, and to lose some tension from his shoulders.

The last one, Nino couldn’t disagree though. He should try to loosen up a bit.

Maybe a couple drinks wouldn’t be so bad of an idea, Nino thought as they finally arrived outside of the club.

-

It didn’t take long for Nino to be totally wasted.

He had decided to take only a couple beers and then head home, but that plan had gone down quickly. The night had changed to more beers and for some shots. People kept buying him drinks one after another, without giving him any time to decline. Some guys were even flirting with him and he wasn’t even trying to stop them.

He was far too gone to even try to use his brain. His brain was fogged with beer and tequila shots.

Nino felt hot, excited, needy and amazing. He was floating in a warm cloud.

There were hands close to his hips, on his back, sometimes he could feel touches on his butt, but they never lingered there long. There were warm and lusty eyes around him and warm bodies surrounding his.

One of the guys, who looked quite handsome, had managed to catch his hand and dragged him to dance floor, all the way to the darkest part of it. The music was playing loudly and the guy’s hands were on Nino’s hips, keeping him close and helping him dance. It became more and more heated every passing second, their bodies getting closer and closer, hips now touching each others, their mouths next to others cheek. Nino could feel there was a new person behind him, whose hands were roaming on his back, on his sides and moving to his chest. He could feel the man’s heavy breathing on the back of his neck.

Next, there was wet spots on his neck, a hand under his shirt touching his chest close to his nipples, other hand on his butt while one hip was pressed from the front to his own and other was pressed to his back, next to the hand, making him feel the two big hard cocks on him. It made Nino feel light headed.

The cocks kept rubbing on him and making him go hard inside his own pants. The hand under his shirt had found one of his nipples pinching it and pulling it once in a while, as the other hand had dipped inside his jeans and decided to massage his butt cheek, the fingers close to touch his hole.

Nino could feel the sweat running down his neck before the man behind him was lapping at it with a moan, his hips doing circles and making Nino arch his back, wanting to feel more. The man in front of him made a small noise of disagreement but moved forward to attach his lips to Nino’s chin. Nino could feel the hand on his butt moving away, which made him moan not wanting it to leave, as it moved away towards the guy behind him but it soon changed to delight as he felt another hand behind his head moving it closer to the front guy’s face until his lips were captured and the moans dying, giving it to the wet slick sounds.

It was heated.

Nino didn’t care where he was as the two people were devouring him, and he fucking didn’t care who would see it happening. He felt hot, wanted and definitely feel good. And he was ready to get pounded by these two random guys cause fuck, it felt so damn good.

Nino was already shaking when he felt one of the hands close to his jeans buttons. His mouth was released from the hot heat, some of the spittle was dropping down on his chin but he didn’t care.

“Yes, yes please” Nino moaned needily. “get them down, quickly”

The guy in front of him was growling with the need next to his neck, biting and sucking, while the guy behind him gave a chuckle, that was so low that the sound was enough to make Nino moan with need.

The zipper was just brought down, when he felt the first touch of one of the warm hot hands on his cock and it made him shout that was cut by the guy behind him capturing his chin and pulling his lips against his. Nino’s tongue fought with the other as his jeans were loosened enough to get a hand back to his ass and touch the twitching hole.

The fingers were grazing at the hole and just about to push in, when it was suddenly taken away and the heat behind him was gone. Before he could even let out a sound of protest, the person in front of him was drawn away from him too. Not long after that a hand swooped around his hips, pushing him against of a warm and firm chest. There were also fingers that were trying to close his pants quickly as he was pushed forward, away from the dance floor.

Nino was trying to fight back, wanting to stay there and get those four hands and two cocks to get all over him and maybe get even a taste of them, but it was useless. The person was too strong for him and he was too drunk to have a decent fight.

Giving up, Nino just flopped his head on the person’s shoulder, moving his nose close to the clothes. Breathing in the sweet tasty smell of the man that was dragging him. Nino moved his nose closer to the man’s neck wanting to breath more of the smell, before letting out a sigh and going limp.

The other man didn’t seem to mind even though he had most of Nino’s weight on him.

Nino stirred a bit when a cold air from outside hit him, making him moan drowsily, but the warm and soft noises from the other person calmed him down. Soon they were sitting inside a taxi and Nino was able to relax and give up for the dream.

At one point he was shaken up from his drowsiness as he was suddenly moved up from the car to the cold air but soon he was surrounded by a warmth again as strong arms that picked him up. Nino’s nose was once again against the person’s neck, letting him breath the sweet smell and making him sleepy, slipping down back to the darkness.


	3. Little Do You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a massive headache, a room that he didn’t recognize, a faded red rose, moving out of the room, the smell of coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ALL of you who helped me to finish this, fixing it and pushing me to write it. I'm so thankful for your help! THANK YOU!  
> This fic is for Sharon! Thank you for giving me the photos!! it made me so happy and now I hope you enjoy this chapter and wish that you wont kill me in the end <3 For my twinnie cause she's important and she's been waiting for this.. For Jade cause she's cute and i've missed to talk to her and she's sick *hugs* And for so many others (you know who you are). And yes, I haven't given up on this series, i haven't! it's just hard to write... So you guys who haven't given up on this fic nor me but waited and kept asking, THANK YOU. I don't think you guys know but it makes me happy to know someone wants to read more of my stuff and makes me open the program and try to write more. so thank you guys, seriously, THANK YOU.

It felt like something was trying to blow his head up inside out.

A headache. Great.

It was huge like a mountain. It really felt like it was close to blow up soon, like a volcano, that was minutes away from bursting.

He needs to drink some water. And oh my god a painkiller or two.

Moaning, Nino slowly turned to his side, wrinkling his nose onto the soft pillow, wishing that he had some painkillers still left in his bathroom cabinet. He hasn’t had one for awhile, so he couldn’t remember if there were still some left.

But to get those painkillers, he needed to get up from the bed.

Even the thought was enough to make his head spin. Which, of course, didn’t encourage Nino to move even a single toe to get out of the bed.

Especially when the bed felt so comfy and warm.

 

Wait.

Was his bed always this comfy?

Was it always this soft?

Did it usually feel this warm in the mornings?

Actually..

How did he even get back to his apartment?

Wait.

What exactly happened last night?

 

Softly groaning, Nino shifted back on to his back, keeping his eyes still tightly closed, not wanting to catch any light as humanly possible, and tried to remember the events from last night.  
But nothing clear came back to his mind. Only little blurry flashbacks.

He remembers the first drink that he bought. Then he bought the second as he talked to his manager. The third drink was bought by another guy, who wanted Nino to stay longer, but Nino tried to decline by saying that it was already late and he had to go home. The guy insisted, and it seemed, it had worked. By the fourth drink, Nino started to lose details.

And if there were more drinks, which he believed there were, he had no memory of them.

Which really doesn’t sound good.

But back to the main question..

How the fuck did he get back to his apartment?

Ah!

Maybe Takahiro drove him back or took a taxi with him? Mm.. Maybe.

Or

Did someone else take him to his apartment? But who could it be?

Or..

Did someone pick him up from the club and brought him to their apartment.

Hopefully not, but that is also a one possibility that he couldn’t rule out.

 

Holy shit, where was he?

 

With a jerk, Nino opened his eyes, anxiously looking around the room, trying to find something that would calm him and tell him where the fuck he was. Hoping, for the sake of his poor heart, that he will find something familiar. Like, the ugly lamp on his nightstand brought by his stupid best friend as a housewarming gift. They both knew it was ugly, but that was the point. His friend wasn’t happy about his decision to move and that’s how he showed his feelings. 

Yes, weird, he knows but that’s just like him.

But he didn’t see that. Nor anything else that would have been there if it was his own bedroom.

Nothing seemed to be familiar to him, he couldn’t pinpoint anything that could explain his whereabouts. Which, of course made his fear grew bigger.

What happened last night?!

Nino closed his eyes once again and tried to push all his memories from yesterday to the front. He tried to find leads from one point to another.

He remembered the guy who had offered him the drink, no, drinks, and then dragged him to the dance floor. Nino remembered that they had started to dance pretty close to each other not long after they even got there. So close that the other man’s hands were on his hips, and were pulling Nino closer to him.

In a blink, he moved forward. This time Nino wasn’t dancing alone with the man, now there was one more person, and he could feel how the situation had been hot. The two men were around Nino, surrounding him. One man was in front of him, dancing hip to hip, the man’s hand on his lower back, pulling him closer. The second man was behind Nino, the man’s hip right next to his butt, basically jutting against it, and hands on his hip.

Nino doesn’t know how they might have looked to the others, but the memory of it is enough to tell that it must have been a sight. He could remember having hands everywhere and how hot he had felt.

Nino shook his head, feeling embarrassed that he had let himself go that far.

But then he recalled one other memory. A memory of someone taking hold of Nino’s hand and pulling him hard. He could remember that he had not felt scared when it happened, but he had been slightly mad at the person who had taken a hold of him. The person whom he wasn’t even able to see, which didn’t really surprise him, thinking how badly wasted he had been. 

But the smell of the captor?

Nino couldn’t remember exactly what the smell could have been, but it had been kind of sweet and somehow a very shooting one. It felt like he had found home.

Which was weird.

He couldn’t remember anyone whose smell reminded him of home. Not for a long time.

So.. Who was it?

Who was the person who took him to their home from the club?

Seriously, how wasted could he have been for not remembering it?

Not remembering the part when they came to the apartment and…

Oh right, was he sore?

As that question popped up in his mind, he closed his eyes, checking and searching for anything that could feel even slightly wrong or painful. But there was nothing, except his head. Everything seemed to be fine and that there was no soreness of the after sex. Which meant that he had not been fucked nor had he fucked anyone.

Which brought his mind back to the questioned room around him.

Nino opened his eyes, and looked around once again.

This definitely wasn’t his bedroom.

That was for sure.

And he couldn’t find anything familiar that would tell that he was in an acquaintance’s house.

Nothin-

Wait… what is that?

Nino slowly sat up on the bed.

His eyes grew bigger as he kept looking at a rose. A red rose. Shriveled red rose to be exact.

It was on a stand on the other side of the room, right in front of the bed. There was nothing else on it, well at least he couldn’t see anything else.

But.

A red rose.

Nino couldn’t help but hope that he was just overreacting and thinking too much. Anyone could have a shriveled rose in their bedroom. Even if the room somehow started to feel half empty, half full.

Anyone could have one. So there was no reason to panic, yet. There was no reason to think that this could be a very cruel joke nor that this could mean something else entirely. That the person, whoever it was that took him to their home, could even have exactly the same thing inside their bedroom. 

 

After that thought, Nino tried to pick up anything that could lead him to somewhere else, to tell him that this wasn’t the place that he thought it was. Some of the things started to look a bit familiar. But it was mostly less than half of the stuff. And because of that Nino didn’t let himself think for the worst. 

But what’s the coincidence?

Of someone having a dry rose in their bedroom?

A high chance. At least that’s what Nino hoped for.

 

-

Taking a deep breath, Nino carefully lifted up the blanket and stepped down on the chilly floor, surprised to find himself dressed up in pajamas; meaning that the person who had brought him here seems to have had to undress him totally naked from his clothes to these. The thought was enough to make him blush like a tomato from embarrassment.

Though if it was the man that he seriously was afraid that it was, then the person had already seen him naked many times before.

Closing his eyes, Nino took another deep breath, trying to calm himself down and then stood up. He stayed there for awhile, letting his head get used to be so high in the air again without any help of God’s invention of aspirin.

When it seemed like half of his mind was finally back on Earth, Nino opened his eyes and took a step towards the rose.

When he was close enough, he could see that the rose wasn’t the only thing that was over there. Right next to it was a CD, and Nino was damn sure what that cd was, but he wasn’t able to, didn’t want to, trust his eye to see it right.

But there it was. His debut single. With the dry red rose.

Nino knew that anyone could have it there and that he shouldn’t be that surprised to find his single there, since he has gotten pretty famous in Japan and little outside the country.

But if it was just a fan, why the rose? There was no meaning to have a dry rose next to his single. At least there shouldn’t be. But he knew there was one person whom could have a meaning for it.  
Though, Nino doesn’t understand why that person would even have his single here, in his bedroom, and keep that damn rose! Why?

But can it be someone else?

Could it be anyone else?

Nino turned to look around the bedroom again, slowly and carefully.

Now he found things that were slightly familiar and the things that didn’t… he could already picture why they were there and who had bought them.

But there was nothing that was conspicuous enough to tell him that his suspicion is wrong, and that sent butterflies to his stomach.

A corner of paper, under the single caught Nino’s eyes and he froze.

Breathing shakily, he turned slowly to look at the door.

Hundreds of thoughts flew around inside his head, his fingers trembled and his heart leaped in his throat as he walked towards the door.

He stopped right in front of it and stared at the handle.

What will happen when he opens the door? Is the person, he thinks that owns this/the apartment, on the other side?

But what if, if this place wasn’t the one he thought it was, and there would be someone else. Someone totally unknown to him?

Then it would be a one night stand that wasn’t really a one night stand since they didn’t seem to have sex in the end of the night… He would go out and then come back dress up and leave, like people usually do. He hasn’t done this for a long time, not even once on the past year when he’s been living alone.

But he’s pretty sure, that that person owns this apartment.. 

So if it is his...

Is he ready to meet the other one? Face to face? Inside a small apartment without anyone else?

Is he?

No.

But does he have any other choice?

Maybe.

But would that solve the situation.

Not really.

So what will he do?

Gulping down his fear, Nino pushed the handle down and opened the door.

-

 

The corridor behind the door was quiet. No one was on the sight.

From the doorway, Nino wasn’t able to see to any other rooms.

 

Nino took a slight step forward, his right hand taking a hold of his shirt and holding it tight. Hoping that it would stop the shaking. Which didn’t seem to work.

He looked around the corridor

A shiver broke down his back.

It looked familiar. Way too familiar.

Familiar to the apartment he has known for awhile.

Nino couldn’t help but think of all the reasons why most of the things are still on the same places or why the person would still, even after everything, stay in this place.

 

A small whiff of came towards Nino, bringing a slight smell of fresh coffee to his nose and halting down the racing thoughts in his head.

Without even thinking he had let his nose take the lead and had started to walk forward, towards to origin of the smell.

Nino stopped as the smell got stronger. He was standing next to the wall, and the door to the kitchen right in front of him.

Just one more step and he would be able to see inside. Just one step, look to the right and that’s it.

But it wasn’t just “that’s it”. No way close to it.

It could be the beginning of a hurricane. The beginning of the end of the world. At least that’s what it felt like for Nino. He was breathing heavily and shaking all over.

Everything was in chaos inside his head, and in his heart. He couldn’t shake off the bad feeling of how familiar everything was, and that he was pretty sure where he was, who he was with, but...

But the worst and the one thing that made him slightly angry and confused was that even though he, Ninomiya Kazunari, had made the decision to leave, to leave this place and the person, he still could feel himself all the way deep down, if he could just let go of his fears that is, how very comfortable he could be and feel safe as he was close to the older man.

Nino tightened his hand on the shirt, bringing it closer to his heart as his other hand formed a fist next to his stomach, like he was trying to protect his heart from the world outside by hugging himself. He closed his eyes once again, taking a deep breath before letting it all out. He opened his eyes and stepped forward, hoping against hope that he wasn’t where he thought he would be.

The moment his eyes caught the scenery, he froze.

He couldn’t breath. His lungs stopped working the way they should.

His heart skipped a beat.

Afraid that he would get the attention of the man that was sitting on the chair next to the table, drinking coffee and reading news paper.

The man that he hoped he wouldn’t see. But knew he would in the end.

The man that he had been avoiding the whole time in the studio yesterday. With very slight success.

The questioned man, that he had been avoiding the whole fucking year, even though Nino still dreams about him everyday. Still crying over the decisions he made.

That man he still loved so deeply. But that was something he wasn’t going to tell anyone. Not now and probably never.

But..

His skin, his hair, his lips.

Oh my god

Why was he sitting there!?

Why was this man here?

And 

Why was he there?

Why

Oh dear god, why

Nino’s breath hitched lightly, his lungs wanting some air.

Why are you here?

 

Satoshi.

 

-

 

It might be bit corny, but Ohno didn’t care. He wanted to have these things he got in his bedroom.

To keep reminding him of what he lost,  
and what it cost.

What he could have had for the end of his life,  
but was careless enough to not to see how it was slipping away.

To not to see how he hurt the person, he cared the most,  
and to see a person who lied behind his back.

Ohno lifted the single on the stand and then put the beautiful red rose right next to it. He looked at those cute hands he could see on the cover of the single, those that he missed to touch. And then at the rose, trying to figure out the message behind it.

There was always a message behind everything that that man did. And Ohno wasn’t always able to see them, but it had been fine. Until now.

Now Ohno just wanted to know what it meant.

The last item was still on the bed behind him.

He had read it so many times, over the last days. Trying to understand how this happened and why. He has been running around with it, asking question and screaming his pain out.

But it hadn’t brought any of the answers that he had been looking for.

And Ohno couldn’t be sure he would ever get them.

The only one who could give those answers, wasn’t to be found.

Oh, He had tried his best to find him, but to no avail.

And it breaks him.

That’s why he’s putting them here.

To remind him, of what he lost.

Ohno picked up the letter, looked at it, then pushed it under the single.

To remind him, to find the person he lost and get him back.

-

It’s was already terrible when Ohno could see but he wasn't allowed to touch. After so many months and months of loneliness and depression, Ohno was finally allowed see and smell but not touch. It’s killing him inside out.

But this…  
This was even worse than that.

To see the person you’ve yearned to see, smell and touch, so much that your fingers just itched for the touch, to see that person be surrounded by other people and touched the way he wished he could. And the worst was that it’s not just one person that’s touching the man, but two. 

And they were so, so close that it’s hard to see the lines of where one body ends and other starts.

Ohno was trying his best to stay away. He had no rights to go and stop them. Those rights had been cut when the man in the middle of that gross scenery had left him.

However, the moment he saw one of them men slide open the zipper and pushed their hands inside of the man’s clothes, they were sandwiching, he snapped forward.

His mind caught him when he had snatched the light man from the arm towards himself, and pushed one of the guys away from them with other hand. He didn’t know if he was causing a scene or not, and to tell the truth, he didn’t fucking care.

All Ohno cared about was to have this light man, who obviously was totally wasted as he tried to wiggle away without any strength, in his arms, feel him against him and know that the younger man was safe with him.

Ohno quickly turned them around and rushed them away from the center of the dance floor, his eyes were on the exit door of that damn night club. He fought against the sluggish arms that flailed around, most probably as a way to push him away which definitely wasn’t working but it did make his work of fixing the younger man’s clothes harder.

As they got closer to the door, the sluggish man in his arms seemed to give up and just let Ohno do what he wanted. Then the younger man tucked his nose against Ohno’s neck, making the older man shiver by the touch.

Grunting, Ohno walked faster and pushed the door open. The cool air hit them immediately, making the man in his arms moan and curl more into him. The movement warmed Ohno’s heart in that instant and he wrapped his arms around the man tighter.

Spontaneously he started to hum, an instinctual reaction that was still inside of him. After all these months, Ohno still knew how to calm down the younger man without thinking about doing it.

As the younger man relaxed in his arms once again, Ohno hailed a taxi and tugged them inside. He had to think for a second what to say to the driver as they sat down, remembering that he actually didn’t know the drunk man’s address. Though, he didn’t feel like he was ready to leave the younger man and keep him away from himself. So he did what came to his mind first and told the driver his address,  
while tucking the younger man’s head under his chin, enjoying the feel of the small puffs against his skin once again.

-

It was about two months ago when Sho contacted Ohno about a new job opportunity, to choreograph and dance in a music video.

At first Ohno was a bit uncertain about the motives and if this work related opportunity was real and worth the time. But then Sho told him something, something that made him unable to say no to this job.

Just a name was enough to make his heart skip a beat. Just a name and he was ready to say yes to everything. Anything that involved that questioned man with that name.

He has been trying to find a way to get closer, to get to touch, to find where that man is and maybe, maybe finally ask the questions he’s been dying to ask for more than a year now.

His relationship with Sho wasn’t the same as it had been before, before everything had crashed down and slipped away from his hands.

His world, his life, his future, his love.

His everything.

His love of his life had left and everything fell down from their right places.

Nothing was interesting anymore. Acting and dancing lost their meaning. He wasn’t interested in dancing for someone else, and he wasn’t even interested in reading the script for the upcoming plays. Food didn’t taste good anymore, it was like eating shit. No matter what he ate. He wasn’t able to taste the flavors.

Colors. Oh, all the colors. He’s always loved colors, but they became grey and meaningless. There were no bright lovely colors anymore. The sun wasn’t the lovely yellow he used to love. The sea wasn’t the bright blue he used to get drawn to. Every color around him became a mixed gray.

And music. Music. He used to love and listen to the songs. Dance around to them and sometimes sing with them. But now, it just made his heart scream and his eyes cry.

Ever since that specific day.

The day he got that letter, that red rose.

The last things from the person who meant everything to him.

-

After he had heard the song and managed to grab the letter from the floor, he read it for a second time. He tried to understand the words written there but couldn’t. Ohno had run out of the theater all the way back to their home, hoping for the life of him that what he was thinking wasn’t the truth, that it wasn’t what was actually going to happen. But, as Ohno finally got the apartment door open, all he was able to see was darkness. The apartment was dark and cold.

There was no indication of someone being inside. No lights, no sounds, nothing that could tell that someone could be there. When usually at this time of the day, there would be lights at the living room with sounds coming off from the TV, or lights in the kitchen with food waiting for him in the fridge, and Ohno could hear the very light snoring coming from their bedroom as the other person had already gone to bed.

Ohno stepped inside, shakily looking for the switch. When the lights turned on, he could see things that were there in the morning when he had left. But he also wasn’t able to see some other things that he had seen on that morning.

There were no shoes other than his on the entry. No ones else's jackets hanging on the racks than his own.

Ohno moved forward in rapid steps from the doorway to the inside of the apartment that had always felt like home and safe. The apartment that now felt cold, hollow and totally different to what it was yesterday.

Living room felt empty. There were no games laying on the floor or table, nor were there any on the shelf that was meant for them. No game controllers nor consoles.

Turning around, Ohno ran towards to the bedroom, slowing down to stop as he reached for the door. His fingers hovered over the handle, his breathing rapid, his whole body shaking.

Taking a breath in, gulping down some courage he didn’t feel, he opened the door.

There were no guitars in the corner of the room, nor any music sheets laid on the table nor laying on the floor. No one was on the made up bed, and when Ohno opened the doors of the closets, it was easy to see that some of the clothes were gone, as well the cute yellowish toothbrush from the bathroom. Now, the bluish toothbrush stood there all alone.

And that did it. When the truth finally kicked in, that this is the reality. 

 

Ohno stumbled backwards towards their bed, feeling like someone had just kicked him hard on the chest. His body gave up for the shaking and his legs lost their energy to keep him up, making him drop down on the bed. And when his back hit the mattress, the last strength that Ohno had kept for the hope of this being a cruel lie, blew up in the air, as he finally understood that all the things that made this home theirs and not only his, were gone.

They were gone.

They were all gone.

The love of his life had left.

And then his mind blanked out.

-

Next morning, Ohno woke up from the slumber, feeling sluggish and his eyes dry. He felt warm, and as he looked at his surroundings, to pinpoint the reasons, he found himself in their bed, tucked under the blanket and his head on a puffy pillow. There was a small ray of light coming from under the doors crack, and he was able to hear light noises coming from the other side.

When his brain finally woke up, bringing back the memories of the day before, memories of the cold dark rooms and words that made his heart bleed, Ohno was ready to jump up and run towards the reason of the noises, but before he even managed to sit up properly, the bedroom door creaked open.

A person stepped forward and stood right in front of the light, making it hard for Ohno to recognize if it’s the one he’s been dying to see and talk to.

But as he got a better look at the shadow, he saw differences to what should be there. That the person on the doorway was taller and boarder than the one he expected, wished, hoped for, and when the shadow spoke, it confirmed his suspicion.

But he hadn’t expected to hear that voice.

Not now, not here.

“Satoshi, are you up?” The shadow asked lightly.

Everything was quiet for awhile. No one moved, barely breathed.

And when the person at the door took a step forward, Ohno finally jumped up and ran.

“Satoshi? Are you okay? I made some soup, it should be edible..” the shadow with slopping shoulders said, looking down at the tray with food that most probably had his breakfast.

But Ohno didn’t care. Didn’t care what this man might have said or done. Not now. Maybe never.

Ohno’s hands snatched the tray and threw it away from his way and then he took a hold of the man’s shirt and pushed him against the wall with such a force he’d never used before. 

“YOU” Ohno shouted, “YOU!”

He’s angry. Furious. 

Ohno slammed him against the wall once again, as the other tried to push back.

“WHAT DID YOU DO!?” Ohno shouted again, his head was starting to spin.

He’s confused.

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO!?”

He’s close to breakdown.

 

And if, if the words in the letter were right, he’s going to kill this man.  
He knew his anger was clouding his mind and doing the actions, the judgmental thinking already far gone.

But how could he stay calm and think clearly, when everything he needed was gone because of this man.

“SHO” Ohno shouted, his hands shaking on the shirt, staring at the other’s eye’s with fire and breathing heavily. “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU GO DO?!”

“WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT WHERE YOU THINKING SHO!? HUH?!?”

Ohno got closer to Sho, their faces not even a breath away from each other. His fists in the shirt moved up towards the face.

He could see that the other was shocked and nervous. But he didn’t care.

He’s fucking mad and if punching Sho means that he can get the answers, he will.

Oh he will, and he would enjoy it.

“TALK!” Ohno growled. Seconds away from punching the shit out of Sho.

“M-maybe you should calm down first-” Sho started in a small voice but was cut off by Ohno’s growl, one of his hands leaving the shirt to grab Sho at his neck.

“NOW!”

He pushed more strength to his hands.

“Okay, okay!” Sho shrieked, hands flying around, as if trying to take a hold of something. “But let go of me first! I can’t talk like this.”

But Ohno didn’t move, even though he heard Sho’s words. He didn’t know if he could trust the man. Didn’t know if he’s able to let go.

“Please..” Sho pleaded in a smaller voice.

A second and then Ohno let go.

He could punch Sho later. But now he just wanted answers.

He just wanted fucking answers. That’s all.

 

-

 

Ohno came back from the memories by the sound of someone taking a sharp breath.

He looked up from the newspaper, that he’s been staring at the past two, wait three hours?, to the door that led to the kitchen.

And found himself staring at the most beautiful man in the whole world.

-

Time passed but neither of them dares to be the first one to move.

It’s like one of those staring games, where the first one to look away or blink loses.

Though this is so much different.

This is about someone he has loved ever since their first meeting to this moment. And no matter what happened a year ago, it didn’t stop him loving the younger man.

That doing something so small is actually a world shattering.

And he’s not sure who’s going to break first.

The atmosphere was getting heavier and heavier by each second.

Ohno was close to give up, seconds away from standing up and running to the other man, when the younger man fell down on his knees.

Ohno froze, surprised of the sudden movement. 

The man whispered something, but he couldn’t hear it well enough to understand. But as the man whispered for the second time, it was lightly louder and he was able to hear the words. And it was enough to make his knees shake.

“Sa-Satoshi,” the lighter man whispered for a third time, with small hiccup. A couple heavy tears suddenly ran down Nino’s milky white cheeks.

And Ohno was up and kneeling down in front of the man in seconds.

His shaky fingers reached out towards the cheek, his eyes staring at those golden brown eyes that he always loved but never liked to see them sad. His lips were shaking as he opened his mouth, trying to remember how to use his voice.

“Kazu” he croaked as his fingers finally touched that smooth, oh so smooth, cheek.

“Kazu,” Ohno repeated as his fingers gets gradually greedier as they start to touch Nino’s face. Trying to touch everything all at once. “Kazu.”

“Kazu,” his hands held Nino’s face, watching as the tears fell down and new ones replacing the fallen ones. He tried to fight against his own tears but he was not sure whether he was winning that fight or not. Either way, he didn’t care. How could he when the man he been wanting to touch once again for a year was in his reach and he was actually able to touch him. How? “Kazu.”

“Satoshi.” The younger man whispered again as the tears got heavier, until he wailed. Nino fell forward, towards his arms and he quickly caught him. Always. He will always be there and catch him if he can.

Ohno hugged him and lightly swayed them slowly from side to side, while starting to hum a song he had always done when the younger man had been feeling down. Hugging, hugging and hugging, until the young man in his arms calmed down and fell asleep, once again.

Ohno picked him up in his arms, carried him to the living room and placed him on the sofa that has been there ever since they bought the house together. He sat on the edge, watching Nino sleep, his fingers tingled and warm from all the touching he had just done. But he couldn’t get enough. Who could? Especially when he finally got Nino next to him.

Ohno lifted his left hand and touched Nino’s cheek again, trying to wipe the moisture away. As he touched, he finally realized that the man in front of him had changed a bit from the last time he had seen him.

Nino’s skin was still light and smooth, soft as silk. His lips were still soft red, and his nose was still the button nose he has always loved. His hair was still that pretty dark brown and so soft to touch.

But...

The man had dark bags under his eyes, and his lips looked dry. But the thing that worried Ohno the most was that Nino, who’s always been bit skinny in his eyes, was much skinnier than last time. Nino had lost too much weight.

And Ohno was sure it couldn’t be healthy.

Hadn’t there been anyone to watch over him? Watched that Nino ate food when needed? No one who would have stuffed a milk bun into his hands when he could and would eat something? Who could have allowed him to get in this position?

The thought of no one caring if Nino ate or not, since Ohno knew that Nino usually would just forget or just didn’t want to eat, made his heart clench.

And then he remembers that he’s one of those that hasn’t managed to take care of the younger man (over the past year).

He’s one of them, so he has no right to complain.

Why has Nino let himself go this bad. Oh why.

 

-

Nino woke up for a second time that day, but this time, instead of the terrible pain, he felt soft, oh so soft, and warm touches on his cheek.

Nino purred and sneaked his nose towards the warmth, a very small smile, so small that it only lifted the corners of Nino’s lips up, grew on his face.

It’s been awhile since he had felt like this.

 

He felt so rested. Like he slept a whole week through, like he got rid of everything that bothered him, which hasn’t happened for awhile.

He had dreamt about Ohno. He had woken up in their old apartment and found Satoshi sitting in their kitchen, eating breakfast. Like he rarely did since the old man did love to sleep.

It all felt like a nice dream, not a nightmare as it usually felt when he thought of Satoshi, but a very nice dream.

Last time he felt like this was… more than year ago.

Before he met Sho.

Before he decided to leave Ohchan.

Satoshi.

…

Wait a minute.

Was that a dream?

And then everything from earlier started to flow back to his mind, a massive headache, a room that he didn’t recognize, a faded red rose, moving out of the room, the smell of coffee, going to the kitchen, seeing a man, man that he has missed for the past year and with a thud he remembered everything.

Nino opened his eyes in a flash. 

 

-

 

Nino stared at the hand that was in front of him.

It was a hand he knew, fingers that he loved.

But it was a hand that belonged to someone he had tried to stay away from.

 

“Why are you here?” Nino muttered almost soundlessly. Still looking at the slim fingers that froze as he opened his mouth.

“Why are you here?” Nino asked again slightly louder, his voice hoarse. He blinked as the hand moved away from his peripheral vision and felt how dry his eyes were.

Oh my god, did he go and cry himself out in front of Satoshi??

Could he embarrass himself more in any way?

Nino cleared his throat, so he could try to talk normally.

“Why are you here? And why am I here with you?” He asked with a clearer voice, happy that he was able to hide the trembling he felt on his lips. He was still looking away from the other man. But he wasn’t going to turn and let him see how badly this closeness, to be this close to the other one, made him feel.

He couldn’t.

He was the one who cut it off. So he had no right to act like a miserable little shit he actually was to the older man.  
No fucking right.

But there was still no answer from behind his back.

Nino took a couple deep breaths, and tried his best to take control of his feelings. Hide the nervousness, sadness and shock in a small box and throwing it to the smallest and darkest corner of his heart, hoping that it would be far enough away from prying eyes of Ohno Satoshi.

And then he turned around.

To finally faze the man he had been running away from for a year now.

To finally look him in the eyes.

To finally speak to him, face to face.

Even though he wasn’t fucking ready for it. And he was sure he would never be, but he wasn’t able to run away from this now. He was trapped inside their old house. Trapped between the sofa and the man he wanted to stay away from him but also wishes to stay right next to him.

 

“Why am I here with you?” Nino snapped, now glaring straight at Ohno’s eyes. His voice sharp and clear.

But Ohno didn’t say anything. He just kept staring at him. His face set to show no emotions, and he has always hated that.

With those dark brown eyes. Eyes he could easily get lost into. But Nino kept his ground. He couldn’t let himself get lost and forget to ask questions that were important, questions like why was the man he left here with him? Why hasn’t Ohno already punched or strangled the hell out of him? Like what Nino would have done if Satoshi was the one who had left him… Nino would be dying to know the answers to all the damn questions that would be going in his head. 

But no. Instead of punching him, Ohno had embraced him, had carried him to the sofa and allowed to take the small nap he had needed. And now, he was just sitting there, staring at him.

And it made Nino feel nervous, his heart beating faster and his palms sweating.

Why the fuck was this happening to him? Why did his life have to be so messed up?

Nino forced the thoughts away from his head as he sat up on the sofa, still staring at the older man.

After minutes of silence, Nino opened his mouth again and demanded an answer to his questions. He at least needed to know some answers, and he was going to get them. One way or another. And after that, he would run.

“Why the fuck am I here?!” Nino demanded once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again thank you guys! I hope you guys enjoyed this fic and please do not kill me.... if you want more, just bug me and I think I will try more then xD  
> Thank you Sharon, Jade, Roro, Sunshine, Marion, Piimy, Diana my devil obaachan, Lindren and many other for this <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you will leave a comment! it would make me happy :3


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